Falling and Trying to Rise

Hello Wonderbeau people!

So I have relapsed into a toxic habit I have been trying to stop, but so far seems stuck with me and me to it.

The familiarity is one of the things I dread about it. Because, when one does something often enough, one becomes used to it. Making it hard to keep walking away.

It doesn’t help that it’s also a sin, which makes it double-whammy distress.

I could write about other things. But then it would be dishonest of me to not share what I am going through even if I cannot go into details.

This sin/habit has been conceived for as long as I can remember, but it was born out of a tragedy — I had lost a very close and dear family member.

Not long after, I started indulging in behaviour I had no business being in.

I knew better, but I could not make myself do better. I still can’t. But I have no choice but to believe my deliverance is near.

One thing the struggle with this “sweet” poisonous sin has taught me is compassion and understanding for others who struggle, especially with addictions.

I never understood how they would even want to do those things, much less continue. I didn’t understand the lack of self-discipline.

I do understand now. Painfully so. One of the side effects of sin is that you feel you cannot condemn it. So you find yourself trying to justify it.

Hell will freeze over first before I justify sin or any wrong. I refuse to lose my conscience or be partial to sin because it easily beset me. I will speak against it but not the persons involved.

Thankfully, I have grown to the point where I can separate an act from the “actor”. I can condemn an act without condemning the actor. God loves the sinner but hates the sin. I took my cue from that.

I guess condemning or hating the sinner will just be overkill, because they have to face the consequences of that sin, in whatever form it comes. And that’s not even the worst part.

The worst part is hurting the ONE you love, serve, pray to, adore and want to please. Yes, Jehovah GOD.

Feeling like a traitor who constantly betrays the Lover of her soul is a painful feeling. I felt I was taking God for granted. I was. Doing what God did not like and always asking for “forgiveness”, it just feels very hypocritical and cruel.

Imagine if your loved one keeps hurting you and keeps saying, “I am so sorry, Babe. I just can’t help myself!“😪 And yet they keep doing it. This is how I feel about the situation.

It has made me question my salvation and my love for God. To put it mildly, it is not perfect yet.

I have questioned my values, my person and my beliefs and all I stand for. What do I really stand for, if I keep doing something bad for myself? Do I truly love myself when I knowingly sin? What’s my excuse?

I see though, that I need to work more on my pursuit of righteousness, my journey with GOD — like spending more time with Him, even if I have to come filthy. Because, if I wait until I “snap out of it” before I talk to God, I might end up completely out of the Faith, and I will never allow that.

I have noticed though, that fully participating in supervised deliverance sessions by anointed deliverance ministers, with other deliverance candidates, does work in killing sin gradually. That is, if one is consistently submitting to deliverance one will be free sooner than later.

Personal deliverance is good. But the corporate anointing that comes with gathering with others to pray and fast, works faster. And I am saying this from personal experience. The Bible says, “One shall chase one thousand and two shall put ten thousand to flight”. Also, where two or more are gathered in the name of Jesus, God is in their midst.

It then becomes spiritual pride when one is struggling with a sin that will send one to hell, and all one can say is, “I don’t need to go to church to commune with GOD.”

True enough, one should pray, worship, praise, thank and talk to God at all times, in all places. But when one needs help, one must seek godly counsel and prayers from true Christian elders, as one is led by the Spirit of God to do. Instead of struggling alone.

GOD is my refuge and strength, a very present help in the day of trouble. Therefore will I not fear though the earth be moved, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea… The LORD of hosts is with me. The God of Jacob is my refuge…

Psalm 46

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